As humans we communicate using a myriad of tools and techniques. While we in the business talk about verbal or oral communications as well as non verbal, auditory and kinesthetic communications, in practical terms humans connect via reading and writing, body gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, touch, posture, sign language and actions and behaviors, including how close we stand next to one another. (Think about how you feel when someone stands closer than you would prefer, how much you feel uncomfortable and how you react).

This week I’ve had to rely a lot on my non verbal communications. Unlike my mouth cancer where I was able to produce a few guttural words after the operation; a profusion of ugly mouth ulcers on my lower gum, alongside the remainder of my tongue and down my throat have rendered me speechless.  And scared.

Its been over 2 years since my mouth cancer diagnosis and operation. I’ve frequent follow-up appointments with the maxfax consultant and all remains good. But the daily tussle with the mind continues. Any cancer remission patient will tell you that life becomes infinitely sweeter in the immediate recovery weeks after the end of their treatment.  It’s a warning and a blessing to still be here and to be able to hug, hold and communicate with friends and loved ones.  Over the passage of time, memories smooth out some of the trauma and daily gratitude often slips from the conscious to the subconscious, only popping to the fore when reminders snake up.  This is how it should be, it’s how the system helps repair the self.

However some of us carry a residual sense of deep impermanence. Where we know life is short and can end at any time. This cannot be described as fear but I’ve yet to make peace with this knowledge. I can get very short-tempered with the time wasting and downright laziness that is inherent here in Barbados. Where others think their time is more valuable that yours so yes they will just take this phone call and gossip with a friend while they stop serving you or they will download their mound of groceries on the cashiers belt in front of you and then saunter off for another 15 minutes to complete their shopping. The countless times I stand waiting for someone to finish chatting with their co-workers, or wait in for workmen to appear 5 hours late with no apology or watch traffic come to a halt so the bus drivers can have a chinwag. While others might put this down to Caribbean time, I want to yell “but not on my time, I don’t know how much I’ve got left and what I’ve got is precious”.  To be fair I don’t think my time is any more important than any one else’s, I just want the opportunity to spend it as I choose.

This has really come to the fore these past few days. Rendered mute and in pain, I read as much as I can on dealing with ulcers or canker sores and how to help them heal.  Of course it doesn’t matter how many times I gargle with salt water and bicarbonate of soda or drink camomile and honey tea, or eat my body weight in ice cream to numb my mouth, it is only time that will heal.  I cannot push recovery to be faster, I cannot star jump or deep breathe my way to a better mouth, I just need to sleep lots, stay calm and let it go.

And this is the mind challenge, for try as I might, this week has brought back into technicolour focus what we all went through as a result of my cancer diagnosis.  I give myself a mental beating for some of my recent lifestyle choices and giving into my natural hedonistic tendencies ; unfortunately I’m not blessed with a deep desire to get up with the dawn chorus, chant “OM”, eat berries and contort my body into positions better suited to pre-pubescent gymnasts.  I know I should but when there is a great cocktail bar and a live band performing, guess where you’ll find me?

Refocusing my mind away from what I see as fun versus what I think will make me dull and boring,  towards the goal of long-term health and strength  is something I need to work on.  Part of me thinks I haven’t survived my cancer to live my life as a scholastic monk but there are consequences as a result of my recent choices.  It’s time that I accept responsibility and make some necessary changes such as getting to the gym regularly, eating more organic fruit and vegetables and learning to stop stressing about the incompetent driving and bad manners that seem to be prevalent  on this island. And probably, (written reluctantly),  managing my desire for the evening G&T under the guise of it helps me de-stress! Changing life patterns may cause a bit of discomfort but the benefit of a healthy life  and the corresponding ability to fully communicate as well as spend time with friends and loved ones are the most compelling of incentives.