This is turning out to be an enlightening week.  It starts with David Leser, an op-ed journalist writing for the Sydney Morning Herald, crafting a seminal article called “women, men and the whole damn thing“.  And as a result of this,  Dr Joanna Martin, tearful, snot-filled, passionate and articulate challenging us – her One of Many cohorts and coaches- to get out there and Lead the Change.

Joanna’s challenge does not go unheeded and I ponder how I can really affect change in a country riven by gender imbalance and gender conflict.  Of course the answer is much closer to home, it needs to start in our home and how we are raising our boy-man.  Only by looking at what I’m doing today can I go out and be authentically challenging tomorrow.

I know why I don’t really want to do this. It’s because I don’t like what I see.  When Roscoe was a baby, Craig and I had a conversation about how we would raise him.  This was not driven from a Utopian desire to have a child who was rich, well-fed and indulged.  This was a deliberate choice to raise a child with experiences so far removed from my own childhood that there could be no chink of similarity in comparison.  Ironically,  perhaps our choices conform to the stereotyping we were keen to avoid.  On the positive side, ours is not a child who cowers in fear from an adult voice, who waits for the blow from the hand or the psychological sting from the sharpened tongue.  He is not treated as an unpaid, silent house servant. This is not a child who goes to bed trembling. By comparison, our boy is loved and cherished, he has a secure base from where he knows the world is his for the exploring; he’s confident, assured, articulate, funny, loving and, normal for a teenager, self-absorbed.  As a result of belonging to various and not always successful football teams, we see emerging qualities of empathy and teamwork. We also see just how much our influence is waning while the peer group is becoming ever more important.  Only yesterday this child was happily wearing geek-cool red sunglasses. Today a derisive comment from a 15-year-old mate in the back of the car means those sunglasses will never be worn again.

He attends an international school here and although he has 10 different nationalities in his class, there are only 120 pupils in total so in senior school they all hang out together.  As he’s already 180cm at 13 years old, this means that physically and mentally his peer group are more likely to be the 15-year-old boys.  Boys of this age are more advanced in what they are interested in, talk about and look at, so having restrictions on Roscoe’s devices is incredibly important.  Despite this I know he has seen images that a generation ago would have been so much harder to access. But today we can all watch the latest music videos to see female ‘popstrals’ twerking and twirling to sell their wares.  Did anyone watch the JLo Super Bowl performance on the  Saturday evening before the game?  It was as if she was auditioning for a part in a soft porn movie. On this basis it’s difficult to argue with Roscoe about his much-loved rap music with its red-raw expletives and chants of women as objects to be done unto, vilified, dis-respected, used and discarded. Not while Mothers like JLo and Beyoncé undersell their talent and debase femininity by using their over-expressed ‘sex-kitten-bitch’ to engorge the male brain. Double standards are not solely a male preserve.

Of course we are not the only ones struggling with the challenges of teenage boys with questionable music taste and hormonal carnality.  During half term we ‘enjoyed’ four teenage boys staying over; boys of different nationalities and upbringing. It’s shocking to see the similarity in behaviour. Just how much of their stuff they lose, how little they are capable of feeding themselves (aside from chocolate bars and fizzy drinks), how their clothes are discarded where they have been taken off, how beds don’t get made and dirty dishes stay on the table without a verbal reminder to clear.  They alternate between bouts of screen time and bouts of physical play, eating, belching just out of earshot (so they think) and shouting obscenities at each other as if they are deaf.  I’m aware that they don’t view me an individual, my role seems to be invisible serf and I boil inside.

The ugly truth is I’ve enabled this child to be solely focused on his pleasure and play. His contribution to the smooth running of the household is negligible.  He is my adored little prince and up to this week I’ve been pressed into service running around picking up the dirty clothes, making the sleepover beds, changing the sleepover beds as different friends come and stay, making vat-sized quantities of pasta and crepes;  washing, drying and putting away dishes only to do it all over again about 30 minutes later as teenage boys seem to have bottomless hungry stomachs.  The Lesner article and Jo’s challenge conjure up a massive magnifying glass that makes me squirm. For although he is much-loved and adored, I am raising a lazy boy-man that no women in her right mind would ever want to become shackled to. A boy-man with latent but emerging social stereotypical thinking about the role of women.  I have to take responsibility as a Mother to make sure my son goes out into the world as a fully functioning, contributing and supportive adult.  A male able to positively contribute to society with little prejudice and judgement, who sees alternative genders as equal.  A man who is sensitive to the needs of others and willing to co-partner, co-parent, co-create.

I console myself with the knowledge that we’ve very open and direct conversations together.  No subject is taboo and with the result I know I influence much of his thought process even though this may not immediately translate into action.  I recently spoke with him about gently letting down a girl who liked him.  I explained that male and female ways of thinking were different and although he can say “I like you but just as a friend” , what she may hear is “I’m not pretty enough/good enough/just enough” so he needs to tell her his feelings face to face, look her in the eye and stay in the moment to allow her to feel his positive intention by being there.  It’s a big concept for a boy and during the following days of him pondering,  she dumped him.  By text.

However, his burgeoning interest in girls means we need to step up our efforts to have him recognise that women are so much more than visual distractions in a day full of “boring” academia.  It’s difficult in a place like Barbados where daily wear consists of  few scraps of cloth and much shaking of booty. Here, local girls are queens of sexual suggestion and promise. Their role model, Rihanna, is much admired and adored.

So I must influence him and encourage his female friends to not feel their value only comes through how they look or behave. Here at home, we need to make sure we are seen and heard to praise female intelligence and facets of personality not visual attractiveness.  Both Craig and I have been guilty of this in the past and from now this will change.

Now my awareness antennae is awakened, I am shocked at how much I’ve personally conformed to gender-social stereotyping.  How much of the “boys are strong and girls are feminine”; “boys are physical and girls talk all the time”; “boys like football and girls like fashion”, etc, I shorthand in my head.    I’m going to have to consciously challenge each of these thoughts to get out of this habit.  I know these are not what I believe – it’s just lazy thinking.

I am also guilty of silent rage as I pick up dirty clothes and generally tidy up after him.  This too will change.  Clothes not in the laundry basket will not get washed.  Beds not made and rooms not tidied will result in the loss of electronic privileges.  Silence will be swapped for firm insistence.  Yes, we are due for a period of pain but it’s necessary for longer term gain.

If we ever get to a point where we attend his wedding, I will look his partner in the eye and know they are committing to a fully functioning, loving, intelligent, self-aware and co-creating adult.

This is the goal.  The change starts here. Now.