Many moons ago when we were just courting, I had first love curiosity- What were the ruminations going on in his head?

As a woman, my brain has never stopped. I’ve gone to many meditation classes and retreats, letting my breath in one nostril and out the other. I’ve acknowledged the thoughts, going back to the breath. I’ve acknowledged the pains, going back to the breath. I’ve moved with the breath. I’ve chanted into the breath. I’ve been on retreats when we’ve physically starved ourselves – when all there was for sustenance was breath. I can hold, exhale and worship breath but, my busy brain chunters on. 

Perhaps I am ill-disciplined. Perhaps I lack commitment and rigor. I’m impatient, outcome focused, forward looking. There’s always a horizon, over there, to be explored, cogitated on, imagined. I need to plan and strategise my route, overcome the obstacles, focus on the prize ahead. 

This ability to look forward is why, in 24 hours since I spoke to our soon-to-depart tenant, I’ve engaged 3 estate agents to appraise our property, alerted the neighbours we are going to sell, hired the gardeners to help kerb appeal, appointed the solicitors who will do the conveyancing and started the process of mentally letting go. I live 3,000 miles away! 

I’m already mentally living in Scotland, in our forever home – the one with no steps and doors that are minimum 800mm wide ( for walkers and wheelchairs) and kitchen drawers, not cupboards for ease of use. The one where we walk out our front door to restaurants, bars and shops and can easily access public transport to get ‘oot and aboot’ when we go further afield. The one that will store only my items of joy – this is one of the reasons why I’ve stopped purchasing Le Creuset cast iron – fine now but in 20 years- it’ll be too heavy to use. Who buys Le Creuset stainless steel for a future that may not even appear???

That will be me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So roll back the years, “What are you thinking about”, “Where’s your head?” “Where are you right now”? 

 (Yup, I was that girl…)

So I had no frame of reference when he would train those big blue eyes on mine, and say, “My head is empty”, or “There’s nothing in my brain right now”. 

Naturally, I figured this was a problem needing to be fixed. Or in my more insecure moments, I contemplated that I was being deliberately shut out. My fear which ran on repeat,  was he was thinking before us, when there was a them. 

Duh!🤦🏻‍♀️

Today, I understand that this man, and now his offspring, have the ability to empty their heads into nothingness. I have no idea what this is. The closest I ever came to accessing this feeling was up a mountain, either climbing, ski-touring or skiing and, truth be told,  it was always my fear of what might happen next that kept me moving forward. No such thing as nothingness in my brain.

People spend a small fortune to try and get there. My men, they are there every day. At will. When it suits them. 

My curiosity still bubbles,  so now the questions are focused on knowing how. “How can I learn to empty my head into nothing”? “How does it work”?

 “What do I need to do differently to access this seemingly simple task of nothingness ”?

Of course, neither can answer. It just Is. It requires no effort, no thought, just time to be. 

It apparently can happen anytime, anywhere; playing golf, looking into the horizon, watching sport on TV. They can access a happy nirvana interlude where it’s possible to rest the thoughts swirling through the brain and rejuvenate. 

It doesn’t cost them time, effort or pounds sterling. It’s an inherent ability to be in the now but otherworldly. 

I’m SO envious…